So, I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately. Actually, I’ve probably been doing less than usual, simply by virtue of how busy I’ve been with sightseeing, partying, etcetera, but spending time in Europe, combined with my admission to Columbia, has really made me think.

I guess I should start off with Columbia, actually. I have no idea how I got in. I don’t know if I am generally too hard on myself or what, but I never thought I’d get into NYU, let alone Columbia. I guess this is because I know a lot of people who have spent an exceptional amount of energy and time on their studies and not gotten into programs that are less competitive. I, on the other hand, am quite possibly the crappiest student ever. Not to say that my grades aren’t generally good and professors don’t tend to like me, but I am only a good student when I am actually interested in the subject.

I do well at history courses, most literature classes, and other subjects that seem applicable to the world around me and keep me engaged, but when it comes to learning foreign languages that I don’t anticipate needing in the future, studying mathematical theories that don’t have much of an application in my everyday life, or taking courses simply because they are “required,” I usually struggle a great deal to will myself to make any effort. I guess it is a blessing and a curse… for example, almost everyone I know has grown tired of their senior thesis projects after working on them since September, but, although sometimes I don’t feel like working on it as actively as I should, I am still quite passionate about defending my topic. I guess genocide is like that, it makes you feel a certain obligation to work on behalf of the victims, whereas some people’s civil war projects etc might not have the same enduring appeal.

But right, Columbia: how I got in is an absolute mystery. The same goes for NYU. The same will go for BU, if I end up being accepted, which it seems likely I will due to the fact that the former two institutions are infinitely more competitive. But I have never been a “competitive” student. I’ve never put studying for an exam over going travelling, reading a required course reading over a book that interests me, or really felt that I needed to “crack the whip” and make some sacrifices to get through a semester. I get tired, stressed, irritated, but I have always done so only for courses that I truly feel I’m learning from. This has gotten me decent grades, and very touching recommendation letters from two of my favorite professors, but beyond this I don’t really understand how this should translate to what I like to call “institutional capital” (sorry, my affinity for sociology and capitalism are hard to restrain).

What I mean by this is probably self-evident… recognition by an institution. I am made aware of my lack of institutional capital quite often when I look at the differences between my own life and that of my boyfriend… even when I have a lot of work, I am able to get through it at my own pace, rarely feeling like it is consuming too much of my life or that I have to actively shut out the rest of my world or life to study. Part of this is probably because history and foreign relations and research is so deeply integrated a part of my life that I don’t feel the need to draw a line (it remains to be seen whether this is a good or bad thing), but there is also a definite lifestyle difference. Whereas he, in studying medicine, is almost completely dependent on building up institutional capital within academic medicine (publications, fellowships, funding, etc), very little of that pressure is mirrored in my life. Sure, I’ve become somewhat good at securing funding in the form of grants and research projects, but that is only because I have had a genuine interest in travelling to research the area for which the money was provided (or, on occasion, travelling there and doing the research as an afterthought :-)), so it confuses me that I am being accepted to some of the most cutting edge research institutions in the country.

I don’t know what this means for me… perhaps it means I will start to accrue institutional capital with my graduate work, as opposed to the cultural capital (travel, knowledge, social literacy) which has been the focus of my learning experiences thus far, but I don’t really think so. If that were the plan, I don’t believe that I would have been admitted to these programs with little to no experience in institutionalizing myself. Maybe it just means that the life I have started to shape for myself can exist largely on cultural capital, with teaching (essentially conveying the knowledge of my studies and experiences) as a way to convert some of that capital into monetary gain.

Speaking of all of this, though, I am starting to wonder about the role of graduate study in my future, particularly the NYU/Columbia dilemma. The other day I received an email from Columbia with the start dates of their courses, and they involve summer classes which would begin before my undergraduate degree from Arcadia will be completed (I knew they started early, but this is about a week and a half earlier than last year). I am sure I could get some special accommodations made to complete them and make up the work immediately after graduating, but I am not entirely sure if that is what I want to do! I guess it’s a classic case of the old “the grass is always greener on the other side” dilemma. Now that I am into Columbia, I am not really sure about what it offers me. Obviously, this will best be resolved by visiting Columbia, NYU, and, if I get accepted, BU, since they’re the three top-shelf institutions that I’ve applied to. What is confusing/tempting/off-putting, however, is the fact that in response to an email I sent to Columbia regarding their start dates, they told me they would see what they could do about special accommodations, but that it would also be possible to defer my acceptance for one year and do some independent research in the field.

I am sure it’s easy to see how that would be a somewhat appealing suggestion while I’m frolicking around Germany, so I just don’t know. A part of me sees it as a nice opportunity to do some more field work before I settle down to teach and work my ass off for a few years while I try to find my groove in the world of education or higher academics, but another part of me really wants to get away fro the research world and get a job with a salary. Living stipends, subsidized plane tickets, and research budgets are nice, but it always winds up being a struggle to get by from day to day, and while I’m really happy with all of the doors this lifestyle has opened to me, the idea of a salary, benefits, a stable, monthly rent, and an apartment (even if it would be small and shitty) has a great deal of appeal to me. But then again, I know a lot of people in the working world who wish they had taken one more year to pursue their own interests before they entered to formal working sector.

So yes, who knows. It’s a mystery what I’ll do or what I’ll decide is the best option, though I am sure visiting these institutions and meeting with their faculty will be helpful. NYU has been the friendliest and most accessible thus far, but Columbia is much more prestigious and, I assume, would offer me a better education, being that the vast majority of new research in the field of teaching comes out of their faculty. So it’s the same old question… what kind of capital do I want? The institutional capital of having gone to the most prestigious institution? The cultural capital/personal satisfaction of going to a university that really shares my values? Ideally, I could have both, but if I find I can’t, I am not really sure what I would choose.

Oh well, I need to get a little bit of sleep before my train pulls into Dresden, so I must go. Talk soon!

Andrew